


Upside: Down Dog

by Tvieandli



Category: Original Work
Genre: Assault, Gender Dysphoria, Rape, Violence, mental health, suicide ideology, unreality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-02-15 01:01:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2209707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tvieandli/pseuds/Tvieandli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And The poetry gets weirder</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Birth

There's so much in me  
There's so much in me I can't get out  
It can't get out  
It can't get out  
It'll rip me apart in trying  
It'll tear me apart in trying  
It'll come into the world through my dying  
Birth  
Birth   
Blood and pain  
Push and pull and tug and strain  
Birth  
Birth  
Blood and pain  
Scoop up the scraps save them for dinner  
Cook the baby for dinner  
Cook the baby for sinners

Shade child of mine  
Lurking in my veins  
Shade child of mine  
Curled around my legs  
Shade child of mine  
Crawling from my taint

Son of a witch  
Son of a witch had a cunt  
Filled with punt  
Filled with fuck  
Filled with shade  
Lost the grade  
Lost your grade  
Slicing the insides of his thighs  
Her thighs  
Her lies  
HER  
FUCK HER  
RAPE THE DAUGHTER

Fuck the daughter  
Her shaking hands  
Empty eyes  
Shivering thighs  
Scalded scared up thighs  
Spreading round your left over haunt  
I'll only shut up when I'm too gaunt  
Another raid  
Another rape

A body that begs for violation  
Asks in desperation for some precious molestation  
Take away what power I have left  
Leave me bereft  
Kiss it goodbye  
Close your eyes and get real fucking high

Give birth  
Birth  
After birth


	2. i's

There's blood on my hand where god last shoved his dick  
There's blood on the wall  
It's brown  
It's thick  
He cries my blood from envious eyes  
Envious eyes  
Envious eyes

There's glue in my hands where god last shoved his dick  
There's glue on my thighs  
It's clear-white  
It's thick  
He puts me to sleep with harmless lies  
Harmless lies  
Harmless lies

When we lie down he is Ruth  
And Ruthless  
He bites me with his tooth  
He comes back toothless  
Lets straight go the entities within me  
Leaves me pregnant heavy with epiphanies

There's milk in my hand where god last shoved his tit  
There's milk in my mouth  
It's sweet  
It's thick  
He feeds me up on unfounded ties  
Unfounded ties  
Unfounded ties


	3. Feed to Sleep

Spoken word anthology  
Personal mythology  
My mind makes no sense  
No sense   
no sense  
Open your eyes and it's none  
Put out your hand and it's none  
Lick the wall and it's none  
Smell the air and it's none  
Try to order it to understand  
This has gotten out of hand  
Feed your ego  
Feeed your ego  
feeeeeed your ego  
feeeeeeed  
FEEEEEEEEEED  
GIVE ME FEEED  
FEED MEE  
I'm so hungry  
I want pity  
And your sympathy  
And you fucking me  
Sucking me  
Suck on This from me  
Take piss from me  
Use bones to pick your teeth  
Now SLEEEP  
SLEEEEEEP  
Go you it sleep  
fuck me then sleep  
stay up and reap  
Curl up and weep


	4. Skitter Man

Skitter man  
Skitter man  
Are you a bitter man?  
Lurching man  
Churching man  
Coveting dirt things man?  
Spider man  
Hider man  
Big pale white ire man  
clip clop like horses  
Gallop away  
Hearing his voices  
In the alley way  
Gonna gettchya  
Gonna getcha  
If you walk away  
You walk away  
You walk away  
Skitter man  
Skit  
Skitter man  
In the alley way  
Don't come out by day  
Never out by day


	5. Thanks B. O-B

Embarrassed by my word shit  
And the unsightly form of my tits  
Got my hand in the presidential cookie jar  
Go-going far  
g g get far  
Obama's cookies got me cross eyed  
Neurons fried  
For a ride  
The house is dark  
It's dark dark dark  
All the lights out  
All the lights pout  
And I'm sitting in the middle of the living room  
On the floor  
We're fucking poor  
Can't open the door  
Can't open the door  
The house is dark  
The floor is poor  
If you wanna leave you can't open the door  
Get up to walk   
Getting nowhere  
Get out of my hair  
Open to talk  
Saying nothing  
Meaning something  
Your fingers won't listen when you tell them   
Your fingers are limp  
Your body won't listen when you tell it  
Your body is limp  
You gimp  
You gimp  
You fucking gimp


	6. Meat

And then we found out  
That the meat  
In the stew  
Was pieces of Jeniffer's body  
All hotty  
And snotty  
Chopped up and rotting  
We ate her  
We made her  
Got right down and plagued her  
Manipulated and raped her  
Drowned her  
We pound her  
Tenderized and weak  
The pic-perfect treat  
Meat to eat  
Meat to eat

I'm starving  
Harvesting

Somehow we found out  
That the Meat   
In the stew  
Was nothing but you  
No-nothing but you  
Boiled in glue  
Born straight through  
Straight straight through  
Like a doughnut  
We go nuts  
Mouth shut  
You slut  
You slut  
You whore   
Give me more  
I want more  
I want treat  
I want meat to eat  
Meat to eat  
Meat to eat


	7. They Call That A System Don't They?

Host  
Host  
Like a ghost  
Living off of buttered toast  
Pulling from self flesh to roast  
Save the host  
Save the host  
Keeping him around the most  
Never really likes to boast  
Tiny frailly healthy host  
Little host  
I love you most

Host  
Host  
Like a ghost  
Living off of the west coast  
Pulling from friends flesh to roast  
Protect the host  
Protect the host  
Keeping him around the most  
Teaching little lips to boast  
Tiny hearty health host  
Little host  
I love you most


	8. When they speak of blood they speak of water

Ancestry lie beneath me  
Blood has no treaty   
To own the words of men  
Burn down the bloods that bend  
Boasting family line  
So truly blind  
Sewing lies for society's binds  
Keeping out what should be let in  
The color of heritage never sin  
In the eyes of Odin's rage  
You are not the painted page  
Let the pale things pay their due  
Never close the doors of Asatru  
Never let the namesteelers instill fear  
Described as dark were the Aesir


	9. Betty Boo

What you gonna do  
Betty Boo  
Sit in the dark and jack out some glue?  
That's not glue  
That's not glue  
Come on tell us what you're going through  
What are you going through?  
What are you gonna do?  
Put on your shoe  
All that's holding on your sole is glue  
That's not glue  
That's not glue  
Betty Boo  
What do you do?  
Tell us what you do

What are you gonna do  
Betty Boo  
Walk down another alley way you already been through?  
Fuck you  
Hey fuck you  
Come on tell us what you're gonna do  
What are you gonna do?  
What are you going through?  
Go out and get sued  
Go out and get glued  
That's not glue  
That's not glue  
Betty Boo  
Who are you lying to  
It ain't me It ain't you  
It ain't you  
Betty Boo


	10. L 2 O B 2 A

There's always you  
Touching me one more time  
In the space between never and again  
Can't reign your needs in  
Even when you say it's sin  
Yeah the big cats grin  
But you're a big cat too  
There are monsters in you  
Things shifting in infinity  
Definitively   
Bubbling beneath your surface  
You are a paragon of purpose  
Touching me in the spaces  
Between never and again  
Your hands on my faces  
Can't reign your needs in  
Yeah I grin  
But you're grinning too  
Forgetting the monsters in you


	11. Late Night

Getting a hit of insomnia in my veins  
Like an addict trying to ease hunger pains  
5:00 AM  
On the dot  
5:00 AM  
That's the fucking spot


	12. Wood Worker

Wood worker  
Wood worker  
Wants wood to support her  
If it would  
If it would  
If wood be good  
Wood worker  
Wood worker  
Wants doll to support her  
If it would  
If it would  
If wood be good

The shelf is a good resting place  
Far away from where rats race  
Stay here and stay safe  
Never let the world see your face

Wood worker  
Wood worker  
Wants wood to adore her  
If it would  
If it would  
If wood be good  
Wood worker  
Wood worker  
Doesn't really want to play  
Put the doll away  
It will stay away  
If it would  
If it would  
If wood be good

The shelf is where you live now  
You don't get to come down  
I'm not in the right mood  
You don't really need food

Wood worker  
Wood worker  
Wants wood to support her  
Don't leave  
Don't go  
Wood would stay  
If it would  
If it would  
If wood be good  
And damned if wood be bad  
She'd hate to make a dad


	13. Erased

I see a woman's   
A woman's  
A woman's  
I see a woman's leg  
No a woman  
A woman  
A woman  
That is a woman's leg  
Next to it is another one  
A woman's leg  
They're attached to a woman's groin  
There's a great big gash where they join  
A woman's   
A woman's   
A woman's  
Genitals   
Beneath a woman's hips  
A woman's stomach   
Leading up into a woman's tits  
A woman  
A woman  
With a woman's arms  
A woman's harm  
Wearing a woman's scars  
And a woman's face  
A woman's   
A woman's face  
A woman's taste  
A woman's feel  
The woman's real  
A woman's ambition  
A woman's remission   
A woman's  
A woman's  
A woman's voice  
A woman's plan  
A woman's choice  
I see a woman


	14. Lord of the Flies

Lord of the flies  
Not far at all from lord of the lies  
And I ain't getting any answers out of him  
Sitting there smirking  
Ephemeral  
Like a djinn  
Tuesday the rest  
Between Monday's worst   
And Wednesday's best  
When I'm alone there's this emptiness   
In my chest  
Beneath my breasts  
I look at surgery scars   
Like most fuckers are looking at new cars  
I got the features of a woman   
But that doesn't mean I am one  
I got the features of a human  
But that doesn't mean shit  
Lord of the flies  
Telling nothing but lies  
I ain't getting any answers out of him  
Sitting there smirking  
Masturbating on my skin  
Thursday a silver lining  
On Wednesday's distress  
I'd confess  
But really what good would that do me  
Not like my sins could be made a movie  
Burnt offerings at the alter of chaos  
God doesn't wear socks  
Just lets his toes freeze off  
I got the features of a woman  
And that means that's all I am  
I got the features of a human  
But not the features of a man  
Lord of the flies  
Sucking my lies  
You ain't getting any answers out of him  
Not before your patience runs thin  
Not before the big cats grin  
He's a big cat too  
A big cat too  
Coming for you  
Lord of the flies  
Lord of my lies


	15. Speaking Stone

Speaking stone  
Speaking stone  
Hiding an uneven tone  
The fire wouldn't talk to you  
And neither would the water  
Waiting for eternity to speak the words you offer  
Speaking stone  
Speaking stone  
You'll wait until they're dead and gone  
No speaking to the wastely wind  
No chatting at the arbor  
Your voice is growing cracked and thin  
Your words are but a blabber


	16. Blind Brie

I lie in bed at night and his hands move up my legs  
Up my legs  
Prickly hair pricking my legs  
He has eight eyes in his head  
In my bed  
Sitting between my legs in the bed where I lay  
And he'll say  
"Shhh  
My child  
I'll tell you a story  
Keep you fed while you're whoring"  
Moves over my body  
Up over my body  
And lifts up his jowls to kiss me  
I'm not breathing  
Not reeling  
No bones in my legs  
I'm not feeling  
And he's in me  
All hot  
In my rot  
Fucking my insides out  
He's a big god  
And I didn't know  
But the scope of what's penetrated me  
I was unprepared for this oath  
I am fearful of him  
Like a quivering political bride  
Where do I hide  
I lie in my bed and his hands move up my thighs  
Up my thighs  
I see his eyes  
Eight shiny eyes  
Hunter's eyes  
Spider eyes  
I am afraid of him  
But he loves me  
And there is a knowing  
Within me  
Deep deep within me  
Pulsing with each thrust  
He is an old god  
He is a good god  
He is my god


	17. Lyme

Once upon a time  
On a time  
There was a girl infected with lyme  
And she saw the world through dif-different eyes  
A spiders eyes  
She borrowed my eyes  
Once upon a time  
On a time  
There was a girl infected with lyme  
And she wanted to die  
She was desperate to die  
Once upon a time  
On a time  
There was a boy infected with lyme  
And he ached in his bones  
And he ached in his mind  
So he cast off his skin and stole my eyes

We've been singing for centuries  
Old songs from penitentiaries  
And you wanna learn  
Wanna learn  
Wanna learn  
You wrapped the big black cat in an urn  
There's many a written word for me  
I am found on music sheets  
Or in the walls of books  
I am hung on hooks  
I am depth and I am knowing  
I am wisdom and I am growing  
And you wanna learn  
Wanna learn  
Wanna learn  
You're sitting there patient waiting your turn  
But the knowledge is old  
It will burn  
It will burn  
Yet you yearn  
Let it burn  
You feast on scorn  
All your skin so worn  
Worn through by your fingers  
Angry searching fingers  
Little pain that lingers  
They took my stories and put them on pages  
Immortalized them  
Petrified for the ages  
Now who will tell the new ones?  
True ones?


	18. Lessons in Listening

I'm hearing spiders speak  
His feet on floorboards creak  
All the little vermin weep  
The spiders are all crawling in  
Their little are voices a roaring din  
Hearing their legs in the walls  
Thousands stomping  
Hear them all  
I'm listening as spiders speak  
All their tiny voices weak  
Their hissing falsettos hoarse and high  
Their lisping jowls chapped and dry  
All their stories make me cry  
They don't even have to try  
I'm listening to spiders speak  
All their webs are strong and sleek  
I'm tangled in the eerie deep  
I can hear them  
I can hear them  
Wrapped and weak  
Bubbling like a little creek  
Touching me with hands that creep


	19. Daddy Dunce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of my fathers have left and it kind of annoys me tbh

I called you daddy once  
You were my  
Nothing  
You didn't want to be.  
I called you daddy dunce  
Over the phone  
I sat in my home  
I poured out my soul  
Into the reciever  
He saw but  
He refused receive her  
I called you daddy once  
Just that one time  
And you ran  
Ran from me  
From this  
You were my  
My  
You were  
Nothing  
You were the first person to tell me the truth  
Took me down from across the country  
Told me, "Ruth  
They'll leave you  
All of them  
Nothing to do  
They'll be there  
And they'll be through"  
Sat on your knee  
All I wanted to be  
I called you daddy once  
And then again before a classroom  
Silent stare tombs  
"Why don't you have a dad?"  
I called you daddy dunce

I called you daddy once  
You weren't mine  
But you promised  
I called you daddy dunce  
And I said I wanted you to be my dad  
I've been had  
You were the first sign things were wrong  
Why didn't you tell me then they were so far gone?  
I called you daddy once  
You said it would be okay  
I called you daddy dunce  
And you threw it away


	20. A Bad Person

I am a bad person  
I spread too much strife  
But even on a stormy day  
The sea nurtures life


	21. Masculinity: a birth defect

It's a birth defect they tell my mother  
And she cries  
I see the betrayal in her eyes  
Are you saying I'm inadequate because I'm a woman?  
She asks me  
And I don't have any words behind my teeth  
I wanna crawl out of my skin  
I know I was born with this terrible sin  
But I just wanna walk away  
Traitor  
Traitor  
You betrayed her  
Look at Megdelen sitting in the water tower  
You took away her grace and power  
You forged it into a sword  
Used it to justify your selfish word  
Why weren't you thinking about them?  
You were only aspiring to men  
Men are the reason  
Man is the problem  
What are you doing selling yourself to the enemy?  
Is that what you wanna be?  
No  
No  
A lie a deception  
Another misconception  
I was born with this defect  
I'll never be perfect  
I couldn't have just been the girl I was supposed to be  
It's something deeply wrong with me


	22. Once A Month like blood magic

I woke up because he was stabbing me  
The blood all ran down  
And I knew it was deep in my organs  
Nociceptionally aware of my vicera  
The way it caved in round the cut  
I screamed but no one heard me  
And the neighbors didn't call the cops this time  
The blood sputtered out like death  
It mixed with the shit in my intestines  
It filled up the cavities inside me  
And it stained through the stripes on the sheets  
I coughed but he held me down by my mother seed  
He uses it like feed  
I feel tiny and ravaged in the all of it  
Small of it  
I wanna disappear but he's here  
And he's kneeling over me  
He's got a hold of me  
I claw him off but the wound's so deep  
It spills blood to weep  
I can't cry for pain anymore  
I can't cry for sleep  
I wanna pull my skin off so I can scratch my nerves  
The itching hurts


	23. Hoary

Grayish white  
Old and trite  
Cast the bones to read them  
Cast the bones to splint  
Divination through divinity  
When jagged rocks cut the sea  
I split the world wide open  
I'd spread my legs and show men  
There's a hole where my bits should be  
If you look in you can see the beast  
Its got eyes like fire  
Its got teeth like nails  
Fingernails  
Sideshow freak  
Everyone wants a peek  
They ask me about my vagina  
But they aren't about to let me say I won't talk  
Clearly I just need cock  
Then they see that gaping blackness  
The empty hole  
The frightened masses  
It crawls out of me  
It needs to eat


	24. Gladiation

how far stretched out can a human body get  
four feet away for the heart  
four feet?  
no that would take extension cords  
I am six maybe seven oceans  
and high tides go with high times  
enzhimes and goat rhymes  
For the coat size of a high rise  
fucked eyes  
getting downsized  
and capsized in the depths of me  
Oh heavens be  
I got twenty goddamn feet  
and each'll be the death of me  
they're aching with the pounding beat  
and steal away the breath of me  
custody  
Ownership of a new pit  
and in the pit was me  
and in the pit I was free  
Free  
Free  
Sands on the bottoms of my feet  
There are hands on my back  
Hear whips crack  
But the skin already hardened  
scars far  
like miles of track  
maps of water tables under sacks  
We struggled in the hole for a million years  
our faces tracked by a billion tears  
dark so dark  
black turned white  
another fight  
trite mites in their height frights  
reading right rites to the night lights  
keep me awake another hour  
I wanna feel the sky give birth to showers  
i would run to see the sun  
the fun gun of the good one  
six seven eight done  
Taken me shaken be  
A new city to rule over from the bottom  
You named them but I gottum  
Knife face in space better than the human race  
Demon kind feeling blind  
little children left behind  
I got these roads on my back miles of torture long  
I'm still going strong  
Can't take the feet out from under GOD


	25. 'Female' Saints

No slot for a loose box  
No slot for one closed  
No slot for a used box  
No place for those clothes  
It's all about women  
It's all about men  
No one pays attention to your words little hen  
cisix cisix  
cisix ist cis  
They don't talk about the delicate mother men  
They don't worry words over thin wrist deaths  
Lying about people  
For the vessels that caged them  
Thinking this explains them  
Female  
Shemale  
He forced his wife to birth the baby  
He forced his wife  
But his wife was a thin wrist death  
All wrapped up and kept  
She cut off her hair  
She cut off her child  
She kept out the air  
She left to run wild  
It's all about women  
Being kept by the men  
We forget about delicate boy wombs  
We forget about estrogen tombs  
We forget about them  
Don't remember the cold hands  
Or the man saints  
Death's taint called death's truth  
Unwrapping our bodies like death's tooth  
They don't care for the sanctity of privacy  
Forget about the fingers inside the dead man's halls  
Forget about the prints left on internal walls  
Forget how he was violated posthumously  
Another answer for iced winter teeth  
'Feminine flowers' scented with musk  
Trying to hide from 'masculine lust'  
It's all about women  
It's all about men  
Forget about the soft hipped warrior kings  
Forget about breasted male things  
No one asked to look past those robes  
Death disclosed  
It's not about women  
It's not about men  
It's about who bears the children  
And who sires them


	26. Humpty Dumpty's name was Paul

She threw out her arms to break her fall  
But there was not to break her but the ground  
Hungry feels gnawing  
She fell from the awning  
We all heard that shattered sound  
She threw out her arms to take it all  
But there was not but weight holding her down  
Hungry feels righteous  
All empty and pious  
We all knew the proper nouns  
She threw out her makeup to show her gall  
But there was not but restrictions all round  
Hungry feels slim  
All delicate limbs  
Boy's hard lean lines abound  
She didn't want to play with that doll  
Put it out back and they used it to track by hound  
Hungry feels right  
It's bone dry and tight  
It's just growing you'll call it a mound  
She throws out her arms and the animals mall  
She's a delicate shattering dead in the hall  
We didn't care but can't repaire  
Oh Humpty Dumpty had a great fall


	27. Hi I Wrote Something Extremely Pretentious And Self Absorbed. How Surprising.

How strangely narcissistic to be so obsessively disgusted with oneself. Preoccupied by the degradation and loathing of the self so much so as to completely rewrite the world in which they live, projecting their own inner thoughts and fears onto reality and rewriting their interpretation of common histories entirely.

And then to take it further, going so far as to almost revel in the misery so produced: calling attention to it through the writing of poetry and continuing nigh compulsive self expression; going so far as to steam roll all other parties included and fail to maintain a healthy support for those around them. This leading to fits of melancholy much likened unto the wailing of banshees and thrashing of small children as the subject, surprisingly aware and yet seemingly helpless to change the course of things, spirals downward into defensive paranoia, distancing themself from those closest in order to assure that their fears are carried through to fruition. 

Moving even further to rational and aware self study like the writing of this paper by the subject on the subject.


End file.
